The Catcher in the Rye - 11

don't know where he bought that bed. Anyway, old Phoebe likes to sleep in D.B.'s room
when he's away, and he lets her. You ought to see her doing her homework or something
at that crazy desk. It's almost as big as the bed. You can hardly see her when she's doing
her homework. That's the kind of stuff she likes, though. She doesn't like her own room
because it's too little, she says. She says she likes to spread out. That kills me. What's old
Phoebe got to spread out? Nothing.
Anyway, I went into D.B.'s room quiet as hell, and turned on the lamp on the
desk. Old Phoebe didn't even wake up. When the light was on and all, I sort of looked at
her for a while. She was laying there asleep, with her face sort of on the side of the
pillow. She had her mouth way open. It's funny. You take adults, they look lousy when
they're asleep and they have their mouths way open, but kids don't. Kids look all right.
They can even have spit all over the pillow and they still look all right.
I went around the room, very quiet and all, looking at stuff for a while. I felt
swell, for a change. I didn't even feel like I was getting pneumonia or anything any more.
I just felt good, for a change. Old Phoebe's clothes were on this chair right next to the
bed. She's very neat, for a child. I mean she doesn't just throw her stuff around, like some
kids. She's no slob. She had the jacket to this tan suit my mother bought her in Canada
hung up on the back of the chair. Then her blouse and stuff were on the seat. Her shoes
and socks were on the floor, right underneath the chair, right next to each other. I never
saw the shoes before. They were new. They were these dark brown loafers, sort of like
this pair I have, and they went swell with that suit my mother bought her in Canada. My
mother dresses her nice. She really does. My mother has terrific taste in some things.
She's no good at buying ice skates or anything like that, but clothes, she's perfect. I mean
Phoebe always has some dress on that can kill you. You take most little kids, even if their
parents are wealthy and all, they usually have some terrible dress on. I wish you could see
old Phoebe in that suit my mother bought her in Canada. I'm not kidding.
I sat down on old D.B.'s desk and looked at the stuff on it. It was mostly Phoebe's
stuff, from school and all. Mostly books. The one on top was called Arithmetic Is Fun! I
sort of opened the first page and took a look at it. This is what old Phoebe had on it:
PHOEBE WEATHERFIELD CAULFIELD
4B-1
That killed me. Her middle name is Josephine, for God's sake, not Weatherfield.
She doesn't like it, though. Every time I see her she's got a new middle name for herself.
The book underneath the arithmetic was a geography, and the book under the
geography was a speller. She's very good in spelling. She's very good in all her subjects,
but she's best in spelling. Then, under the speller, there were a bunch of notebooks. She
has about five thousand notebooks. You never saw a kid with so many notebooks. I
opened the one on top and looked at the first page. It had on it:
Bernice meet me at recess I have something
very very important to tell you.
That was all there was on that page. The next one had on it:
Why has south eastern Alaska so many caning factories?
Because theres so much salmon
Why has it valuable forests?
because it has the right climate.
What has our government done to make
life easier for the alaskan eskimos?
look it up for tomorrow!!!
Phoebe Weatherfield Caulfield
Phoebe Weatherfield Caulfield
Phoebe Weatherfield Caulfield
Phoebe W. Caulfield
Phoebe Weatherfield Caulfield, Esq.
Please pass to Shirley!!!!
Shirley you said you were sagitarius
but your only taurus bring your skates
when you come over to my house
I sat there on D.B.'s desk and read the whole notebook. It didn't take me long, and
I can read that kind of stuff, some kid's notebook, Phoebe's or anybody's, all day and all
night long. Kid's notebooks kill me. Then I lit another cigarette--it was my last one. I
must've smoked about three cartons that day. Then, finally, I woke her up. I mean I
couldn't sit there on that desk for the rest of my life, and besides, I was afraid my parents
might barge in on me all of a sudden and I wanted to at least say hello to her before they
did. So I woke her up.
She wakes up very easily. I mean you don't have to yell at her or anything. All
you have to do, practically, is sit down on the bed and say, "Wake up, Phoeb," and bingo,
she's awake.
"Holden!" she said right away. She put her arms around my neck and all. She's
very affectionate. I mean she's quite affectionate, for a child. Sometimes she's even too
affectionate. I sort of gave her a kiss, and she said, "Whenja get home7' She was glad as
hell to see me. You could tell.
"Not so loud. Just now. How are ya anyway?"
"I'm fine. Did you get my letter? I wrote you a five-page--"
"Yeah--not so loud. Thanks."
She wrote me this letter. I didn't get a chance to answer it, though. It was all about
this play she was in in school. She told me not to make any dates or anything for Friday
so that I could come see it.
"How's the play?" I asked her. "What'd you say the name of it was?"
"'A Christmas Pageant for Americans.' It stinks, but I'm Benedict Arnold. I have
practically the biggest part," she said. Boy, was she wide-awake. She gets very excited
when she tells you that stuff. "It starts out when I'm dying. This ghost comes in on
Christmas Eve and asks me if I'm ashamed and everything. You know. For betraying my
country and everything. Are you coming to it?" She was sitting way the hell up in the bed
and all. "That's what I wrote you about. Are you?"
"Sure I'm coming. Certainly I'm coming."
"Daddy can't come. He has to fly to California," she said. Boy, was she wideawake. It only takes her about two seconds to get wide-awake. She was sitting--sort of
kneeling--way up in bed, and she was holding my goddam hand. "Listen. Mother said
you'd be home Wednesday," she said. "She said Wednesday."
"I got out early. Not so loud. You'll wake everybody up."
"What time is it? They won't be home till very late, Mother said. They went to a
party in Norwalk, Connecticut," old Phoebe said. "Guess what I did this afternoon! What
movie I saw. Guess!"
"I don't know--Listen. Didn't they say what time they'd--"
"The Doctor," old Phoebe said. "It's a special movie they had at the Lister
Foundation. Just this one day they had it--today was the only day. It was all about this
doctor in Kentucky and everything that sticks a blanket over this child's face that's a
cripple and can't walk. Then they send him to jail and everything. It was excellent."
"Listen a second. Didn't they say what time they'd--"
"He feels sorry for it, the doctor. That's why he sticks this blanket over her face
and everything and makes her suffocate. Then they make him go to jail for life
imprisonment, but this child that he stuck the blanket over its head comes to visit him all
the time and thanks him for what he did. He was a mercy killer. Only, he knows he
deserves to go to jail because a doctor isn't supposed to take things away from God. This
girl in my class's mother took us. Alice Holmborg, She's my best friend. She's the only
girl in the whole--"
"Wait a second, willya?" I said. "I'm asking you a question. Did they say what
time they'd be back, or didn't they?"
"No, but not till very late. Daddy took the car and everything so they wouldn't
have to worry about trains. We have a radio in it now! Except that Mother said nobody
can play it when the car's in traffic."
I began to relax, sort of. I mean I finally quit worrying about whether they'd catch
me home or not. I figured the hell with it. If they did, they did.
You should've seen old Phoebe. She had on these blue pajamas with red elephants
on the collars. Elephants knock her out.
"So it was a good picture, huh?" I said.
"Swell, except Alice had a cold, and her mother kept asking her all the time if she
felt grippy. Right in the middle of the picture. Always in the middle of something
important, her mother'd lean all over me and everything and ask Alice if she felt grippy.
It got on my nerves."
Then I told her about the record. "Listen, I bought you a record," I told her. "Only
I broke it on the way home." I took the pieces out of my coat pocket and showed her. "I
was plastered," I said.
"Gimme the pieces," she said. "I'm saving them." She took them right out of my
hand and then she put them in the drawer of the night table. She kills me.
"D.B. coming home for Christmas?" I asked her.
"He may and he may not, Mother said. It all depends. He may have to stay in
Hollywood and write a picture about Annapolis."
"Annapolis, for God's sake!"
"It's a love story and everything. Guess who's going to be in it! What movie star.
Guess!"
"I'm not interested. Annapolis, for God's sake. What's D.B. know about
Annapolis, for God's sake? What's that got to do with the kind of stories he writes?" I
said. Boy, that stuff drives me crazy. That goddam Hollywood. "What'd you do to your
arm?" I asked her. I noticed she had this big hunk of adhesive tape on her elbow. The
reason I noticed it, her pajamas didn't have any sleeves.
"This boy, Curtis Weintraub, that's in my class, pushed me while I was going
down the stairs in the park," she said. "Wanna see?" She started taking the crazy adhesive
tape off her arm.
"Leave it alone. Why'd he push you down the stairs?"
"I don't know. I think he hates me," old Phoebe said. "This other girl and me,
Selma Atterbury, put ink and stuff all over his windbreaker."
"That isn't nice. What are you--a child, for God's sake?"
"No, but every time I'm in the park, he follows me everywhere. He's always
following me. He gets on my nerves."
"He probably likes you. That's no reason to put ink all--"
"I don't want him to like me," she said. Then she started looking at me funny.
"Holden," she said, "how come you're not home Wednesday?"
"What?"
Boy, you have to watch her every minute. If you don't think she's smart, you're
mad.
"How come you're not home Wednesday?" she asked me. "You didn't get kicked
out or anything, did you?"
"I told you. They let us out early. They let the whole--"
"You did get kicked out! You did!" old Phoebe said. Then she hit me on the leg
with her fist. She gets very fisty when she feels like it. "You did! Oh, Holden!" She had
her hand on her mouth and all. She gets very emotional, I swear to God.
"Who said I got kicked out? Nobody said I--"
"You did. You did," she said. Then she smacked me again with her fist. If you
don't think that hurts, you're crazy. "Daddy'll kill you!" she said. Then she flopped on her
stomach on the bed and put the goddam pillow over her head. She does that quite
frequently. She's a true madman sometimes.
"Cut it out, now," I said. "Nobody's gonna kill me. Nobody's gonna even--C'mon,
Phoeb, take that goddam thing off your head. Nobody's gonna kill me."
She wouldn't take it off, though. You can't make her do something if she doesn't
want to. All she kept saying was, "Daddy s gonna kill you." You could hardly understand
her with that goddam pillow over her head.
"Nobody's gonna kill me. Use your head. In the first place, I'm going away. What
I may do, I may get a job on a ranch or something for a while. I know this guy whose
grandfather's got a ranch in Colorado. I may get a job out there," I said. "I'll keep in touch
with you and all when I'm gone, if I go. C'mon. Take that off your head. C'mon, hey,
Phoeb. Please. Please, willya?'
She wouldn t take it off, though I tried pulling it off, but she's strong as hell. You
get tired fighting with her. Boy, if she wants to keep a pillow over her head, she keeps it.
"Phoebe, please. C'mon outa there," I kept saying. "C'mon, hey . . . Hey, Weatherfield.
C'mon out."
She wouldn't come out, though. You can't even reason with her sometimes.
Finally, I got up and went out in the living room and got some cigarettes out of the box
on the table and stuck some in my pocket. I was all out.
22
When I came back, she had the pillow off her head all right--I knew she would--
but she still wouldn't look at me, even though she was laying on her back and all. When I
came around the side of the bed and sat down again, she turned her crazy face the other
way. She was ostracizing the hell out of me. Just like the fencing team at Pencey when I
left all the goddam foils on the subway.
"How's old Hazel Weatherfield?" I said. "You write any new stories about her? I
got that one you sent me right in my suitcase. It's down at the station. It's very good."
"Daddy'll kill you."
Boy, she really gets something on her mind when she gets something on her mind.
"No, he won't. The worst he'll do, he'll give me hell again, and then he'll send me
to that goddam military school. That's all he'll do to me. And in the first place, I won't
even be around. I'll be away. I'll be--I'll probably be in Colorado on this ranch."
"Don't make me laugh. You can't even ride a horse."
"Who can't? Sure I can. Certainly I can. They can teach you in about two
minutes," I said. "Stop picking at that." She was picking at that adhesive tape on her arm.
"Who gave you that haircut?" I asked her. I just noticed what a stupid haircut somebody
gave her. It was way too short.
"None of your business," she said. She can be very snotty sometimes. She can be
quite snotty. "I suppose you failed in every single subject again," she said--very snotty. It
was sort of funny, too, in a way. She sounds like a goddam schoolteacher sometimes, and
she's only a little child.
"No, I didn't," I said. "I passed English." Then, just for the hell of it, I gave her a
pinch on the behind. It was sticking way out in the breeze, the way she was laying on her
side. She has hardly any behind. I didn't do it hard, but she tried to hit my hand anyway,
but she missed.
Then all of a sudden, she said, "Oh, why did you do it?" She meant why did I get
the ax again. It made me sort of sad, the way she said it.
"Oh, God, Phoebe, don't ask me. I'm sick of everybody asking me that," I said. "A
million reasons why. It was one of the worst schools I ever went to. It was full of
phonies. And mean guys. You never saw so many mean guys in your life. For instance, if
you were having a bull session in somebody's room, and somebody wanted to come in,
nobody'd let them in if they were some dopey, pimply guy. Everybody was always
locking their door when somebody wanted to come in. And they had this goddam secret
fraternity that I was too yellow not to join. There was this one pimply, boring guy, Robert
Ackley, that wanted to get in. He kept trying to join, and they wouldn't let him. Just
because he was boring and pimply. I don't even feel like talking about it. It was a stinking
school. Take my word."
Old Phoebe didn't say anything, but she was listen ing. I could tell by the back of
her neck that she was listening. She always listens when you tell her something. And the
funny part is she knows, half the time, what the hell you're talking about. She really does.
I kept talking about old Pencey. I sort of felt like it.
"Even the couple of nice teachers on the faculty, they were phonies, too," I said.
"There was this one old guy, Mr. Spencer. His wife was always giving you hot chocolate
and all that stuff, and they were really pretty nice. But you should've seen him when the
headmaster, old Thurmer, came in the history class and sat down in the back of the room.
He was always coming in and sitting down in the back of the room for about a half an
hour. He was supposed to be incognito or something. After a while, he'd be sitting back
there and then he'd start interrupting what old Spencer was saying to crack a lot of corny
jokes. Old Spencer'd practically kill himself chuckling and smiling and all, like as if
Thurmer was a goddam prince or something."
"Don't swear so much."
"It would've made you puke, I swear it would," I said. "Then, on Veterans' Day.
They have this day, Veterans' Day, that all the jerks that graduated from Pencey around
1776 come back and walk all over the place, with their wives and children and
everybody. You should've seen this one old guy that was about fifty. What he did was, he
came in our room and knocked on the door and asked us if we'd mind if he used the
bathroom. The bathroom was at the end of the corridor--I don't know why the hell he
asked us. You know what he said? He said he wanted to see if his initials were still in one
of the can doors. What he did, he carved his goddam stupid sad old initials in one of the
can doors about ninety years ago, and he wanted to see if they were still there. So my
roommate and I walked him down to the bathroom and all, and we had to stand there
while he looked for his initials in all the can doors. He kept talking to us the whole time,
telling us how when he was at Pencey they were the happiest days of his life, and giving
us a lot of advice for the future and all. Boy, did he depress me! I don't mean he was a
bad guy--he wasn't. But you don't have to be a bad guy to depress somebody--you can be
a good guy and do it. All you have to do to depress somebody is give them a lot of phony
advice while you're looking for your initials in some can door--that's all you have to do. I
don't know. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't been all out of breath. He
was all out of breath from just climbing up the stairs, and the whole time he was looking
for his initials he kept breathing hard, with his nostrils all funny and sad, while he kept
telling Stradlater and I to get all we could out of Pencey. God, Phoebe! I can't explain. I
just didn't like anything that was happening at Pencey. I can't explain."
Old Phoebe said something then, but I couldn't hear her. She had the side of her
mouth right smack on the pillow, and I couldn't hear her.
"What?" I said. "Take your mouth away. I can't hear you with your mouth that
way."
"You don't like anything that's happening."
It made me even more depressed when she said that.
"Yes I do. Yes I do. Sure I do. Don't say that. Why the hell do you say that?"
"Because you don't. You don't like any schools. You don't like a million things.
You don't."
"I do! That's where you're wrong--that's exactly where you're wrong! Why the
hell do you have to say that?" I said. Boy, was she depressing me.
"Because you don't," she said. "Name one thing."
"One thing? One thing I like?" I said. "Okay."
The trouble was, I couldn't concentrate too hot. Sometimes it's hard to
concentrate.
"One thing I like a lot you mean?" I asked her.
She didn't answer me, though. She was in a cockeyed position way the hell over
the other side of the bed. She was about a thousand miles away. "C'mon answer me," I
said. "One thing I like a lot, or one thing I just like?"
"You like a lot."
"All right," I said. But the trouble was, I couldn't concentrate. About all I could
think of were those two nuns that went around collecting dough in those beatup old straw
baskets. Especially the one with the glasses with those iron rims. And this boy I knew at
Elkton Hills. There was this one boy at Elkton Hills, named James Castle, that wouldn't
take back something he said about this very conceited boy, Phil Stabile. James Castle
called him a very conceited guy, and one of Stabile's lousy friends went and squealed on
him to Stabile. So Stabile, with about six other dirty bastards, went down to James
Castle's room and went in and locked the goddam door and tried to make him take back
what he said, but he wouldn't do it. So they started in on him. I won't even tell you what
they did to him--it's too repulsive--but he still wouldn't take it back, old James Castle.
And you should've seen him. He was a skinny little weak-looking guy, with wrists about
as big as pencils. Finally, what he did, instead of taking back what he said, he jumped out
the window. I was in the shower and all, and even I could hear him land outside. But I
just thought something fell out the window, a radio or a desk or something, not a boy or
anything. Then I heard everybody running through the corridor and down the stairs, so I
put on my bathrobe and I ran downstairs too, and there was old James Castle laying right
on the stone steps and all. He was dead, and his teeth, and blood, were all over the place,
and nobody would even go near him. He had on this turtleneck sweater I'd lent him. All
they did with the guys that were in the room with him was expel them. They didn't even
go to jail.
That was about all I could think of, though. Those two nuns I saw at breakfast and
this boy James Castle I knew at Elkton Hills. The funny part is, I hardly even know
James Castle, if you want to know the truth. He was one of these very quiet guys. He was
in my math class, but he was way over on the other side of the room, and he hardly ever
got up to recite or go to the blackboard or anything. Some guys in school hardly ever get
up to recite or go to the blackboard. I think the only time I ever even had a conversation
with him was that time he asked me if he could borrow this turtleneck sweater I had. I
damn near dropped dead when he asked me, I was so surprised and all. I remember I was
brushing my teeth, in the can, when he asked me. He said his cousin was coming in to
take him for a drive and all. I didn't even know he knew I had a turtleneck sweater. All I
knew about him was that his name was always right ahead of me at roll call. Cabel, R.,
Cabel, W., Castle, Caulfield--I can still remember it. If you want to know the truth, I
almost didn't lend him my sweater. Just because I didn't know him too well.
"What?" I said to old Phoebe. She said something to me, but I didn't hear her.
"You can't even think of one thing."
"Yes, I can. Yes, I can."
"Well, do it, then."
"I like Allie," I said. "And I like doing what I'm doing right now. Sitting here with
you, and talking, and thinking about stuff, and--"
"Allie's dead--You always say that! If somebody's dead and everything, and in
Heaven, then it isn't really--"
"I know he's dead! Don't you think I know that? I can still like him, though, can't
I? Just because somebody's dead, you don't just stop liking them, for God's sake--
especially if they were about a thousand times nicer than the people you know that're
alive and all."
Old Phoebe didn't say anything. When she can't think of anything to say, she
doesn't say a goddam word.
"Anyway, I like it now," I said. "I mean right now. Sitting here with you and just
chewing the fat and horsing--"
"That isn't anything really!"
"It is so something really! Certainly it is! Why the hell isn't it? People never think
anything is anything really. I'm getting goddam sick of it,"
"Stop swearing. All right, name something else. Name something you'd like to be.
Like a scientist. Or a lawyer or something."
"I couldn't be a scientist. I'm no good in science."
"Well, a lawyer--like Daddy and all."
"Lawyers are all right, I guess--but it doesn't appeal to me," I said. "I mean they're
all right if they go around saving innocent guys' lives all the time, and like that, but you
don't do that kind of stuff if you're a lawyer. All you do is make a lot of dough and play
golf and play bridge and buy cars and drink Martinis and look like a hot-shot. And
besides. Even if you did go around saving guys' lives and all, how would you know if you
did it because you really wanted to save guys' lives, or because you did it because what
you really wanted to do was be a terrific lawyer, with everybody slapping you on the
back and congratulating you in court when the goddam trial was over, the reporters and
everybody, the way it is in the dirty movies? How would you know you weren't being a
phony? The trouble is, you wouldn't."
I'm not too sure old Phoebe knew what the hell I was talking about. I mean she's
only a little child and all. But she was listening, at least. If somebody at least listens, it's
not too bad.
"Daddy's going to kill you. He's going to kill you," she said.
I wasn't listening, though. I was thinking about something else--something crazy.
"You know what I'd like to be?" I said. "You know what I'd like to be? I mean if I had my
goddam choice?"
"What? Stop swearing."
"You know that song 'If a body catch a body comin' through the rye'? I'd like--"
"It's 'If a body meet a body coming through the rye'!" old Phoebe said. "It's a
poem. By Robert Burns."
"I know it's a poem by Robert Burns."
She was right, though. It is "If a body meet a body coming through the rye." I
didn't know it then, though.
"I thought it was 'If a body catch a body,'" I said. "Anyway, I keep picturing all
these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little
kids, and nobody's around--nobody big, I mean--except me. And I'm standing on the edge
of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over
the cliff--I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come
out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the
rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's
crazy."
Old Phoebe didn't say anything for a long time. Then, when she said something,
all she said was, "Daddy's going to kill you."
"I don't give a damn if he does," I said. I got up from the bed then, because what I
wanted to do, I wanted to phone up this guy that was my English teacher at Elkton Hills,
Mr. Antolini. He lived in New York now. He quit Elkton Hills. He took this job teaching
English at N.Y.U. "I have to make a phone call," I told Phoebe. "I'll be right back. Don't
go to sleep." I didn't want her to go to sleep while I was in the living room. I knew she
wouldn't but I said it anyway, just to make sure.
While I was walking toward the door, old Phoebe said, "Holden!" and I turned
around.
She was sitting way up in bed. She looked so pretty. "I'm taking belching lessons
from this girl, Phyllis Margulies," she said. "Listen."
I listened, and I heard something, but it wasn't much. "Good," I said. Then I went
out in the living room and called up this teacher I had, Mr. Antolini.
23
I made it very snappy on the phone because I was afraid my parents would barge
in on me right in the middle of it. They didn't, though. Mr. Antolini was very nice. He
said I could come right over if I wanted to. I think I probably woke he and his wife up,
because it took them a helluva long time to answer the phone. The first thing he asked me
was if anything was wrong, and I said no. I said I'd flunked out of Pencey, though. I
thought I might as well tell him. He said "Good God," when I said that. He had a good
sense of humor and all. He told me to come right over if I felt like it.
He was about the best teacher I ever had, Mr. Antolini. He was a pretty young
guy, not much older than my brother D.B., and you could kid around with him without
losing your respect for him. He was the one that finally picked up that boy that jumped
out the window I told you about, James Castle. Old Mr. Antolini felt his pulse and all,
and then he took off his coat and put it over James Castle and carried him all the way
over to the infirmary. He didn't even give a damn if his coat got all bloody.
When I got back to D.B.'s room, old Phoebe'd turned the radio on. This dance
music was coming out. She'd turned it on low, though, so the maid wouldn't hear it. You
should've seen her. She was sitting smack in the middle of the bed, outside the covers,
with her legs folded like one of those Yogi guys. She was listening to the music. She kills
me.
"C'mon," I said. "You feel like dancing?" I taught her how to dance and all when
she was a tiny little kid. She's a very good dancer. I mean I just taught her a few things.
She learned it mostly by herself. You can't teach somebody how to really dance.
"You have shoes on," she said.
"I'll take 'em off. C'mon."
She practically jumped off the bed, and then she waited while I took my shoes off,
and then I danced with her for a while. She's really damn good. I don't like people that
dance with little kids, because most of the time it looks terrible. I mean if you're out at a