The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 64

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Now this last article was somewhat apocryphal; and the Devil, who is the great disturber of our faiths in this world, had raised scruples in Mrs. Wadman’s brain about it; and like a true devil as he was, had done his own work at the same time, by turning my uncle Toby’s Virtue thereupon into nothing but empty bottles, tripes, trunk-hose, and pantofles.

C H A P.   LXXXII

MRS. Bridget had pawn’d all the little stock of honour a poor chamber-maid was worth in the world, that she would get to the bottom of the affair in ten days; and it was built upon one of the most concessible postulata in nature: namely, that whilst my uncle Toby was making love to her mistress, the corporal could find nothing better to do, than make love to her——“And I’ll let him as much as he will, said Bridget, to get it out of him.”

Friendship has two garments; an outer and an under one. Bridget was serving her mistress’s interests in the one—and doing the thing which most pleased herself in the other: so had as many stakes depending upon my uncle Toby’s wound, as the Devil himself——Mrs. Wadman had but one—and as it possibly might be her last (without discouraging Mrs. Bridget, or discrediting her talents) was determined to play her cards herself.

She wanted not encouragement: a child might have look’d into his hand——there was such a plainness and simplicity in his playing out what trumps he had——with such an unmistrusting ignorance of the ten-ace——and so naked and defenceless did he sit upon the same sopha with widow Wadman, that a generous heart would have wept to have won the game of him.

Let us drop the metaphor.

C H A P.   LXXXIII

——AND the story too—if you please: for though I have all along been hastening towards this part of it, with so much earnest desire, as well knowing it to be the choicest morsel of what I had to offer to the world, yet now that I am got to it, any one is welcome to take my pen, and go on with the story for me that will—I see the difficulties of the descriptions I’m going to give—and feel my want of powers.

It is one comfort at least to me, that I lost some fourscore ounces of blood this week in a most uncritical fever which attacked me at the beginning of this chapter; so that I have still some hopes remaining, it may be more in the serous or globular parts of the blood, than in the subtile aura of the brain——be it which it will—an Invocation can do no hurt——and I leave the affair entirely to the invoked, to inspire or to inject me according as he sees good.

T H E   I N V O C A T I O N

GENTLE Spirit of sweetest humour, who erst did sit upon the easy pen of my beloved CERVANTES; Thou who glidedst daily through his lattice, and turned’st the twilight of his prison into noon-day brightness by thy presence——tinged’st his little urn of water with heaven-sent nectar, and all the time he wrote of Sancho and his master, didst cast thy mystic mantle o’er his wither’d stump[44], and wide extended it to all the evils of his life——

——Turn in hither, I beseech thee!——behold these breeches!——they are all I have in world——that piteous rent was given them at Lyons——

My shirts! see what a deadly schism has happen’d amongst ’em—for the laps are in Lombardy, and the rest of ’em here—I never had but six, and a cunning gypsey of a laundress at Milan cut me off the fore-laps of five—To do her justice, she did it with some consideration—for I was returning out of Italy.

And yet, notwithstanding all this, and a pistol tinder-box which was moreover filch’d from me at Sienna, and twice that I pay’d five Pauls for two hard eggs, once at Raddicoffini, and a second time at Capua—I do not think a journey through France and Italy, provided a man keeps his temper all the way, so bad a thing as some people would make you believe: there must be ups and downs, or how the duce should we get into vallies where Nature spreads so many tables of entertainment.—’Tis nonsense to imagine they will lend you their voitures to be shaken to pieces for nothing; and unless you pay twelve sous for greasing your wheels, how should the poor peasant get butter to his bread?—We really expect too much—and for the livre or two above par for your suppers and bed—at the most they are but one shilling and ninepence halfpenny——who would embroil their philosophy for it? for heaven’s and for your own sake, pay it——pay it with both hands open, rather than leave Disappointment sitting drooping upon the eye of your fair Hostess and her Damsels in the gate-way, at your departure—and besides, my dear Sir, you get a sisterly kiss of each of ’em worth a pound——at least I did——

——For my uncle Toby’s amours running all the way in my head, they had the same effect upon me as if they had been my own——I was in the most perfect state of bounty and good-will; and felt the kindliest harmony vibrating within me, with every oscillation of the chaise alike; so that whether the roads were rough or smooth, it made no difference; every thing I saw or had to do with, touch’d upon some secret spring either of sentiment or rapture.

——They were the sweetest notes I ever heard; and I instantly let down the fore-glass to hear them more distinctly——’Tis Maria; said the postillion, observing I was listening——Poor Maria, continued he (leaning his body on one side to let me see her, for he was in a line betwixt us), is sitting upon a bank playing her vespers upon her pipe, with her little goat beside her.

The young fellow utter’d this with an accent and a look so perfectly in tune to a feeling heart, that I instantly made a vow, I would give him a four-and-twenty sous piece, when I got to Moulins——

——And who is poor Maria? said I.

The love and piety of all the villages around us; said the postillion——it is but three years ago, that the sun did not shine upon so fair, so quick- witted and amiable a maid; and better fate did Maria deserve, than to have her Banns forbid, by the intrigues of the curate of the parish who published them——

He was going on, when Maria, who had made a short pause, put the pipe to her mouth, and began the air again——they were the same notes;——yet were ten times sweeter: It is the evening service to the Virgin, said the young man——but who has taught her to play it—or how she came by her pipe, no one knows; we think that heaven has assisted her in both; for ever since she has been unsettled in her mind, it seems her only consolation——she has never once had the pipe out of her hand, but plays that service upon it almost night and day.

The postillion delivered this with so much discretion and natural eloquence, that I could not help decyphering something in his face above his condition, and should have sifted out his history, had not poor Maria taken such full possession of me.

We had got up by this time almost to the bank where Maria was sitting: she was in a thin white jacket, with her hair, all but two tresses, drawn up into a silk-net, with a few olive leaves twisted a little fantastically on one side——she was beautiful; and if ever I felt the full force of an honest heart-ache, it was the moment I saw her——

——God help her! poor damsel! above a hundred masses, said the postillion, have been said in the several parish churches and convents around, for her,——but without effect; we have still hopes, as she is sensible for short intervals, that the Virgin at last will restore her to herself; but her parents, who know her best, are hopeless upon that score, and think her senses are lost for ever.

As the postillion spoke this, MARIA made a cadence so melancholy, so tender and querulous, that I sprung out of the chaise to help her, and found myself sitting betwixt her and her goat before I relapsed from my enthusiasm.

MARIA look’d wistfully for some time at me, and then at her goat——and then at me——and then at her goat again, and so on, alternately——

——Well, Maria, said I softly——What resemblance do you find?

I do entreat the candid reader to believe me, that it was from the humblest conviction of what a Beast man is,——that I asked the question; and that I would not have let fallen an unseasonable pleasantry in the venerable presence of Misery, to be entitled to all the wit that ever Rabelais scatter’d——and yet I own my heart smote me, and that I so smarted at the very idea of it, that I swore I would set up for Wisdom, and utter grave sentences the rest of my days——and never——never attempt again to commit mirth with man, woman, or child, the longest day I had to live.

As for writing nonsense to them——I believe there was a reserve—but that I leave to the world.

Adieu, Maria!—adieu, poor hapless damsel!——some time, but not now, I may hear thy sorrows from thy own lips——but I was deceived; for that moment she took her pipe and told me such a tale of woe with it, that I rose up, and with broken and irregular steps walk’d softly to my chaise.

——What an excellent inn at Moulins!

[44] He lost his hand at the battle of Lepanto.

C H A P.   LXXXIV

WHEN we have got to the end of this chapter (but not before) we must all turn back to the two blank chapters, on the account of which my honour has lain bleeding this half hour——I stop it, by pulling off one of my yellow slippers and throwing it with all my violence to the opposite side of my room, with a declaration at the heel of it——

——That whatever resemblance it may bear to half the chapters which are written in the world, or for aught I know may be now writing in it—that it was as casual as the foam of Zeuxis his horse; besides, I look upon a chapter which has only nothing in it, with respect; and considering what worse things there are in the world——That it is no way a proper subject for satire——

——Why then was it left so? And here without staying for my reply, shall I be called as many blockheads, numsculs, doddypoles, dunderheads, ninny-hammers, goosecaps, joltheads, nincompoops, and sh- -t-a-beds——and other unsavoury appellations, as ever the cake-bakers of Lernè cast in the teeth of King Garangantan’s shepherds——And I’ll let them do it, as Bridget said, as much as they please; for how was it possible they should foresee the necessity I was under of writing the 84th chapter of my book, before the 77th, &c?

——So I don’t take it amiss——All I wish is, that it may be a lesson to the world, “to let people tell their stories their own way.

The Seventy-seventh Chapter

AS Mrs. Bridget opened the door before the corporal had well given the rap, the interval betwixt that and my uncle Toby’s introduction into the parlour, was so short, that Mrs. Wadman had but just time to get from behind the curtain——lay a Bible upon the table, and advance a step or two towards the door to receive him.

My uncle Toby saluted Mrs. Wadman, after the manner in which women were saluted by men in the year of our Lord God one thousand seven hundred and thirteen——then facing about, he march’d up abreast with her to the sopha, and in three plain words——though not before he was sat down——nor after he was sat down——but as he was sitting down, told her, “he was in love”——so that my uncle Toby strained himself more in the declaration than he needed.

Mrs. Wadman naturally looked down, upon a slit she had been darning up in her apron, in expectation every moment, that my uncle Toby would go on; but having no talents for amplification, and Love moreover of all others being a subject of which he was the least a master——When he had told Mrs. Wadman once that he loved her, he let it alone, and left the matter to work after its own way.

My father was always in raptures with this system of my uncle Toby’s, as he falsely called it, and would often say, that could his brother Toby to his processe have added but a pipe of tobacco——he had wherewithal to have found his way, if there was faith in a Spanish proverb, towards the hearts of half the women upon the globe.

My uncle Toby never understood what my father meant; nor will I presume to extract more from it, than a condemnation of an error which the bulk of the world lie under——but the French, every one of ’em to a man, who believe in it, almost as much as the REAL PRESENCE, “That talking of love, is making it.

——I would as soon set about making a black-pudding by the same receipt.

Let us go on: Mrs. Wadman sat in expectation my uncle Toby would do so, to almost the first pulsation of that minute, wherein silence on one side or the other, generally becomes indecent: so edging herself a little more towards him, and raising up her eyes, sub blushing, as she did it——she took up the gauntlet——or the discourse (if you like it better) and communed with my uncle Toby, thus:

The cares and disquietudes of the marriage state, quoth Mrs. Wadman, are very great. I suppose so—said my uncle Toby: and therefore when a person, continued Mrs. Wadman, is so much at his ease as you are—so happy, captain Shandy, in yourself, your friends and your amusements—I wonder, what reasons can incline you to the state——

——They are written, quoth my uncle Toby, in the Common-Prayer Book.

Thus far my uncle Toby went on warily, and kept within his depth, leaving Mrs. Wadman to sail upon the gulph as she pleased.

——As for children—said Mrs. Wadman—though a principal end perhaps of the institution, and the natural wish, I suppose, of every parent—yet do not we all find, they are certain sorrows, and very uncertain comforts? and what is there, dear sir, to pay one for the heart-achs—what compensation for the many tender and disquieting apprehensions of a suffering and defenceless mother who brings them into life? I declare, said my uncle Toby, smit with pity, I know of none; unless it be the pleasure which it has pleased God——

A fiddlestick! quoth she.

Chapter the Seventy-eighth

NOW there are such an infinitude of notes, tunes, cants, chants, airs, looks, and accents with which the word fiddlestick may be pronounced in all such causes as this, every one of ’em impressing a sense and meaning as different from the other, as dirt from cleanliness—That Casuists (for it is an affair of conscience on that score) reckon up no less than fourteen thousand in which you may do either right or wrong.

Mrs. Wadman hit upon the fiddlestick, which summoned up all my uncle Toby’s modest blood into his cheeks—so feeling within himself that he had somehow or other got beyond his depth, he stopt short; and without entering further either into the pains or pleasures of matrimony, he laid his hand upon his heart, and made an offer to take them as they were, and share them along with her.

When my uncle Toby had said this, he did not care to say it again; so casting his eye upon the Bible which Mrs. Wadman had laid upon the table, he took it up; and popping, dear soul! upon a passage in it, of all others the most interesting to him—which was the siege of Jericho—he set himself to read it over—leaving his proposal of marriage, as he had done his declaration of love, to work with her after its own way. Now it wrought neither as an astringent or a loosener; nor like opium, or bark, or mercury, or buckthorn, or any one drug which nature had bestowed upon the world—in short, it work’d not at all in her; and the cause of that was, that there was something working there before——Babbler that I am! I have anticipated what it was a dozen times; but there is fire still in the subject——allons.

C H A P.   LXXXV

IT is natural for a perfect stranger who is going from London to Edinburgh, to enquire before he sets out, how many miles to York; which is about the half way——nor does any body wonder, if he goes on and asks about the corporation, &c. - -

It was just as natural for Mrs. Wadman, whose first husband was all his time afflicted with a Sciatica, to wish to know how far from the hip to the groin; and how far she was likely to suffer more or less in her feelings, in the one case than in the other.

She had accordingly read Drake’s anatomy from one end to the other. She had peeped into Wharton upon the brain, and borrowed[45] Graaf upon the bones and muscles; but could make nothing of it.

She had reason’d likewise from her own powers——laid down theorems——drawn consequences, and come to no conclusion.

To clear up all, she had twice asked Doctor Slop, “if poor captain Shandy was ever likely to recover of his wound——?”

——He is recovered, Doctor Slop would say——

What! quite?

Quite: madam——

But what do you mean by a recovery? Mrs. Wadman would say.

Doctor Slop was the worst man alive at definitions; and so Mrs. Wadman could get no knowledge: in short, there was no way to extract it, but from my uncle Toby himself.

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    Total number of unique words is 901
    62.5 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    77.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    82.2 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 38
    Total number of words is 2897
    Total number of unique words is 952
    55.6 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    71.4 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    77.1 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 39
    Total number of words is 2593
    Total number of unique words is 843
    59.6 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    73.2 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    79.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 40
    Total number of words is 2525
    Total number of unique words is 857
    54.6 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    67.9 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    74.1 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 41
    Total number of words is 2800
    Total number of unique words is 872
    55.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.0 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 42
    Total number of words is 2817
    Total number of unique words is 971
    52.0 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    64.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    71.6 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 43
    Total number of words is 3009
    Total number of unique words is 770
    68.0 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    80.9 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    85.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 44
    Total number of words is 2878
    Total number of unique words is 880
    59.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    73.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    79.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 45
    Total number of words is 2702
    Total number of unique words is 883
    55.9 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    67.9 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    73.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 46
    Total number of words is 2954
    Total number of unique words is 915
    56.9 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    77.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 47
    Total number of words is 3006
    Total number of unique words is 952
    57.6 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    73.3 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    78.3 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 48
    Total number of words is 2865
    Total number of unique words is 933
    56.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.1 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    75.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 49
    Total number of words is 3003
    Total number of unique words is 967
    56.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    72.1 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    77.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 50
    Total number of words is 2916
    Total number of unique words is 970
    52.9 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    65.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    71.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 51
    Total number of words is 2566
    Total number of unique words is 917
    53.4 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    67.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    73.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 52
    Total number of words is 2953
    Total number of unique words is 967
    53.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    65.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    73.1 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 53
    Total number of words is 2902
    Total number of unique words is 941
    56.2 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    71.7 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    77.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 54
    Total number of words is 2940
    Total number of unique words is 892
    57.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    75.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 55
    Total number of words is 3058
    Total number of unique words is 1022
    53.5 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    67.9 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 56
    Total number of words is 2964
    Total number of unique words is 951
    54.4 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    66.7 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    73.3 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 57
    Total number of words is 3041
    Total number of unique words is 881
    58.7 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    71.3 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 58
    Total number of words is 2942
    Total number of unique words is 902
    54.5 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    69.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 59
    Total number of words is 3060
    Total number of unique words is 876
    59.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    72.1 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    78.1 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 60
    Total number of words is 2978
    Total number of unique words is 861
    59.7 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    72.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    78.4 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 61
    Total number of words is 3109
    Total number of unique words is 998
    56.6 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.2 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 62
    Total number of words is 2965
    Total number of unique words is 904
    59.0 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    71.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    78.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 63
    Total number of words is 3014
    Total number of unique words is 962
    55.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 64
    Total number of words is 3143
    Total number of unique words is 990
    55.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 65
    Total number of words is 2934
    Total number of unique words is 915
    54.5 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    78.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 66
    Total number of words is 290
    Total number of unique words is 171
    74.2 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    82.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    87.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.