The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 54
Now, ’tis an animal (be in what hurry I may) I cannot bear to strike——there is a patient endurance of sufferings, wrote so unaffectedly in his looks and carriage, which pleads so mightily for him, that it always disarms me; and to that degree, that I do not like to speak unkindly to him: on the contrary, meet him where I will—whether in town or country—in cart or under panniers—whether in liberty or bondage——I have ever something civil to say to him on my part; and as one word begets another (if he has as little to do as I)——I generally fall into conversation with him; and surely never is my imagination so busy as in framing his responses from the etchings of his countenance—and where those carry me not deep enough—in flying from my own heart into his, and seeing what is natural for an ass to think—as well as a man, upon the occasion. In truth, it is the only creature of all the classes of beings below me, with whom I can do this: for parrots, jackdaws, &c.——I never exchange a word with them——nor with the apes, &c. for pretty near the same reason; they act by rote, as the others speak by it, and equally make me silent: nay my dog and my cat, though I value them both——(and for my dog he would speak if he could)—yet somehow or other, they neither of them possess the talents for conversation——I can make nothing of a discourse with them, beyond the proposition, the reply, and rejoinder, which terminated my father’s and my mother’s conversations, in his beds of justice——and those utter’d——there’s an end of the dialogue——
—But with an ass, I can commune for ever.
Come, Honesty! said I,——seeing it was impracticable to pass betwixt him and the gate——art thou for coming in, or going out?
The ass twisted his head round to look up the street——
Well—replied I—we’ll wait a minute for thy driver:
——He turned his head thoughtful about, and looked wistfully the opposite way——
I understand thee perfectly, answered I——If thou takest a wrong step in this affair, he will cudgel thee to death——Well! a minute is but a minute, and if it saves a fellow-creature a drubbing, it shall not be set down as ill-spent.
He was eating the stem of an artichoke as this discourse went on, and in the little peevish contentions of nature betwixt hunger and unsavouriness, had dropt it out of his mouth half a dozen times, and pick’d it up again——God help thee, Jack! said I, thou hast a bitter breakfast on’t—and many a bitter day’s labour,—and many a bitter blow, I fear, for its wages——’tis all—all bitterness to thee, whatever life is to others.——And now thy mouth, if one knew the truth of it, is as bitter, I dare say, as soot—(for he had cast aside the stem) and thou hast not a friend perhaps in all this world, that will give thee a macaroon.——In saying this, I pull’d out a paper of ’em, which I had just purchased, and gave him one—and at this moment that I am telling it, my heart smites me, that there was more of pleasantry in the conceit, of seeing how an ass would eat a macaroon——than of benevolence in giving him one, which presided in the act.
When the ass had eaten his macaroon, I press’d him to come in——the poor beast was heavy loaded——his legs seem’d to tremble under him——he hung rather backwards, and as I pull’d at his halter, it broke short in my hand——he look’d up pensive in my face—“Don’t thrash me with it—but if you will, you may”——If I do, said I, I’ll be d——d.
The word was but one-half of it pronounced, like the abbess of Andoüillet’s—(so there was no sin in it)—when a person coming in, let fall a thundering bastinado upon the poor devil’s crupper, which put an end to the ceremony.
Out upon it!
cried I——but the interjection was equivocal——and, I think, wrong placed too—for the end of an osier which had started out from the contexture of the ass’s panier, had caught hold of my breeches pocket, as he rush’d by me, and rent it in the most disastrous direction you can imagine——so that the
Out upon it! in my opinion, should have come in here——but this I leave to be settled by
The
REVIEWERS
of
MY BREECHES,
which I have brought over along with me for that purpose.
C H A P. XIV
WHEN all was set to rights, I came down stairs again into the basse cour with my valet de place, in order to sally out towards the tomb of the two lovers, &c.—and was a second time stopp’d at the gate——not by the ass—but by the person who struck him; and who, by that time, had taken possession (as is not uncommon after a defeat) of the very spot of ground where the ass stood.
It was a commissary sent to me from the post-office, with a rescript in his hand for the payment of some six livres odd sous.
Upon what account? said I.——’Tis upon the part of the king, replied the commissary, heaving up both his shoulders——
——My good friend, quoth I——as sure as I am I—and you are you——
——And who are you? said he.——
——Don’t puzzle me; said I.
C H A P. XV
——But it is an indubitable verity, continued I, addressing myself to the commissary, changing only the form of my asseveration——that I owe the king of France nothing but my good will; for he is a very honest man, and I wish him all health and pastime in the world——
Pardonnez moi—replied the commissary, you are indebted to him six livres four sous, for the next post from hence to St. Fons, in your route to Avignon—which being a post royal, you pay double for the horses and postillion—otherwise ’twould have amounted to no more than three livres two sous——
——But I don’t go by land; said I.
——You may if you please; replied the commissary——
Your most obedient servant——said I, making him a low bow——
The commissary, with all the sincerity of grave good breeding—made me one, as low again.——I never was more disconcerted with a bow in my life.
——The devil take the serious character of these people! quoth I—(aside) they understand no more of Irony than this——
The comparison was standing close by with his panniers—but something seal’d up my lips—I could not pronounce the name—
Sir, said I, collecting myself—it is not my intention to take post——
—But you may—said he, persisting in his first reply—you may take post if you chuse——
—And I may take salt to my pickled herring, said I, if I chuse—
—But I do not chuse—
—But you must pay for it, whether you do or no.
Aye! for the salt; said I (I know)——
—And for the post too; added he. Defend me! cried I——
I travel by water—I am going down the Rhône this very afternoon—my baggage is in the boat—and I have actually paid nine livres for my passage——
C’est tout egal—’tis all one; said he.
Bon Dieu! what, pay for the way I go! and for the way I do not go!
——C’est tout egal; replied the commissary——
——The devil it is! said I—but I will go to ten thousand Bastiles first——
O England! England! thou land of liberty, and climate of good sense, thou tenderest of mothers—and gentlest of nurses, cried I, kneeling upon one knee, as I was beginning my apostrophè.
When the director of Madam Le Blanc’s conscience coming in at that instant, and seeing a person in black, with a face as pale as ashes, at his devotions—looking still paler by the contrast and distress of his drapery—ask’d, if I stood in want of the aids of the church——
I go by WATER—said I—and here’s another will be for making me pay for going by OIL.
C H A P. XVI
AS I perceived the commissary of the post-office would have his six livres four sous, I had nothing else for it, but to say some smart thing upon the occasion, worth the money:
And so I set off thus:——
——And pray, Mr. Commissary, by what law of courtesy is a defenceless stranger to be used just the reverse from what you use a Frenchman in this matter?
By no means; said he.
Excuse me; said I—for you have begun, Sir, with first tearing off my breeches—and now you want my pocket——
Whereas—had you first taken my pocket, as you do with your own people—and then left me bare a—’d after—I had been a beast to have complain’d——
As it is——
——’Tis contrary to the law of nature.
——’Tis contrary to reason.
——’Tis contrary to the GOSPEL.
But not to this——said he—putting a printed paper into my hand,
PAR le ROY.
———’Tis a pithy prolegomenon, quoth I—and so read on — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
——By all which it appears, quoth I, having read it over, a little too rapidly, that if a man sets out in a post-chaise from Paris—he must go on travelling in one, all the days of his life—or pay for it.—Excuse me, said the commissary, the spirit of the ordinance is this—That if you set out with an intention of running post from Paris to Avignon, &c. you shall not change that intention or mode of travelling, without first satisfying the fermiers for two posts further than the place you repent at—and ’tis founded, continued he, upon this, that the REVENUES are not to fall short through your fickleness——
——O by heavens! cried I—if fickleness is taxable in France—we have nothing to do but to make the best peace with you we can——
AND SO THE PEACE WAS MADE;
——And if it is a bad one—as Tristram Shandy laid the corner-stone of it—nobody but Tristram Shandy ought to be hanged.
C H A P. XVII
THOUGH I was sensible I had said as many clever things to the commissary as came to six livres four sous, yet I was determined to note down the imposition amongst my remarks before I retired from the place; so putting my hand into my coat-pocket for my remarks—(which, by the bye, may be a caution to travellers to take a little more care of their remarks for the future) “my remarks were stolen”——Never did sorry traveller make such a pother and racket about his remarks as I did about mine, upon the occasion.
Heaven! earth! sea! fire! cried I, calling in every thing to my aid but what I should——My remarks are stolen!—what shall I do?——Mr. Commissary! pray did I drop any remarks, as I stood besides you?——
You dropp’d a good many very singular ones; replied he——Pugh! said I, those were but a few, not worth above six livres two sous—but these are a large parcel——He shook his head——Monsieur Le Blanc! Madam Le Blanc! did you see any papers of mine?—you maid of the house! run up stairs—François! run up after her——
—I must have my remarks——they were the best remarks, cried I, that ever were made—the wisest—the wittiest—What shall I do?—which way shall I turn myself?
Sancho Pança, when he lost his ass’s FURNITURE, did not exclaim more bitterly.
C H A P. XVIII
WHEN the first transport was over, and the registers of the brain were beginning to get a little out of the confusion into which this jumble of cross accidents had cast them—it then presently occurr’d to me, that I had left my remarks in the pocket of the chaise—and that in selling my chaise, I had sold my remarks along with it, to the chaise-vamper. I leave this void space that the reader may swear into it any oath that he is most accustomed to——For my own part, if ever I swore a whole oath into a vacancy in my life, I think it was into that—— * * * * * * * * *, said I—and so my remarks through France, which were as full of wit, as an egg is full of meat, and as well worth four hundred guineas, as the said egg is worth a penny—have I been selling here to a chaise-vamper—for four Louis d’Ors—and giving him a post-chaise (by heaven) worth six into the bargain; had it been to Dodsley, or Becket, or any creditable bookseller, who was either leaving off business, and wanted a post-chaise—or who was beginning it—and wanted my remarks, and two or three guineas along with them—I could have borne it——but to a chaise-vamper!—shew me to him this moment, François,—said I—The valet de place put on his hat, and led the way—and I pull’d off mine, as I pass’d the commissary, and followed him.
C H A P. XIX
WHEN we arrived at the chaise-vamper’s house, both the house and the shop were shut up; it was the eighth of September, the nativity of the blessed Virgin Mary, mother of God—
——Tantarra - ra - tan - tivi——the whole world was gone out a May-poling—frisking here—capering there——no body cared a button for me or my remarks; so I sat me down upon a bench by the door, philosophating upon my condition: by a better fate than usually attends me, I had not waited half an hour, when the mistress came in to take the papilliotes from off her hair, before she went to the May-poles——
The French women, by the bye, love May-poles, à la folie—that is, as much as their matins——give ’em but a May-pole, whether in May, June, July or September—they never count the times——down it goes——’tis meat, drink, washing, and lodging to ’em——and had we but the policy, an’ please your worships (as wood is a little scarce in France), to send them but plenty of May-poles——
The women would set them up; and when they had done, they would dance round them (and the men for company) till they were all blind.
The wife of the chaise-vamper stepp’d in, I told you, to take the papilliotes from off her hair——the toilet stands still for no man——so she jerk’d off her cap, to begin with them as she open’d the door, in doing which, one of them fell upon the ground—I instantly saw it was my own writing——
O Seigneur! cried I—you have got all my remarks upon your head, Madam!——J’en suis bien mortifiée, said she——’tis well, thinks I, they have stuck there—for could they have gone deeper, they would have made such confusion in a French woman’s noddle—She had better have gone with it unfrizled, to the day of eternity.
Tenez—said she—so without any idea of the nature of my suffering, she took them from her curls, and put them gravely one by one into my hat——one was twisted this way——another twisted that——ey! by my faith; and when they are published, quoth I,——
They will be worse twisted still.
C H A P. XX
ANS now for Lippius’s clock! said I, with the air of a man, who had got thro’ all his difficulties——nothing can prevent us seeing that, and the Chinese history, &c. except the time, said François——for ’tis almost eleven—then we must speed the faster, said I, striding it away to the cathedral.
I cannot say, in my heart, that it gave me any concern in being told by one of the minor canons, as I was entering the west door,—That Lippius’s great clock was all out of joints, and had not gone for some years——It will give me the more time, thought I, to peruse the Chinese history; and besides I shall be able to give the world a better account of the clock in its decay, than I could have done in its flourishing condition——
——And so away I posted to the college of the Jesuits.
Now it is with the project of getting a peep at the history of China in Chinese characters—as with many others I could mention, which strike the fancy only at a distance; for as I came nearer and nearer to the point—my blood cool’d—the freak gradually went off, till at length I would not have given a cherry-stone to have it gratified——The truth was, my time was short, and my heart was at the Tomb of the Lovers——I wish to God, said I, as I got the rapper in my hand, that the key of the library may be but lost; it fell out as well——
For all the JESUITS had got the cholic—and to that degree, as never was known in the memory of the oldest practitioner.
C H A P. XXI
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- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 46Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2954Total number of unique words is 91556.9 of words are in the 2000 most common words70.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words77.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 47Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3006Total number of unique words is 95257.6 of words are in the 2000 most common words73.3 of words are in the 5000 most common words78.3 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 48Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2865Total number of unique words is 93356.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words70.1 of words are in the 5000 most common words75.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 49Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3003Total number of unique words is 96756.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words72.1 of words are in the 5000 most common words77.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 50Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2916Total number of unique words is 97052.9 of words are in the 2000 most common words65.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words71.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 51Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2566Total number of unique words is 91753.4 of words are in the 2000 most common words67.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words73.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 52Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2953Total number of unique words is 96753.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words65.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words73.1 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 53Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2902Total number of unique words is 94156.2 of words are in the 2000 most common words71.7 of words are in the 5000 most common words77.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 54Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2940Total number of unique words is 89257.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words70.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words75.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 55Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3058Total number of unique words is 102253.5 of words are in the 2000 most common words67.9 of words are in the 5000 most common words76.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 56Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2964Total number of unique words is 95154.4 of words are in the 2000 most common words66.7 of words are in the 5000 most common words73.3 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 57Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3041Total number of unique words is 88158.7 of words are in the 2000 most common words71.3 of words are in the 5000 most common words76.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 58Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2942Total number of unique words is 90254.5 of words are in the 2000 most common words69.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words76.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 59Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3060Total number of unique words is 87659.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words72.1 of words are in the 5000 most common words78.1 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 60Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2978Total number of unique words is 86159.7 of words are in the 2000 most common words72.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words78.4 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 61Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3109Total number of unique words is 99856.6 of words are in the 2000 most common words70.2 of words are in the 5000 most common words76.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 62Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2965Total number of unique words is 90459.0 of words are in the 2000 most common words71.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words78.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 63Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3014Total number of unique words is 96255.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words70.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words76.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 64Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3143Total number of unique words is 99055.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words70.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words76.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 65Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2934Total number of unique words is 91554.5 of words are in the 2000 most common words70.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words78.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 66Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 290Total number of unique words is 17174.2 of words are in the 2000 most common words82.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words87.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words