The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 20
DR. Slop was within an ace of being an exception to all this argumentation: for happening to have his green baize bag upon his knees, when he began to parody my uncle Toby—’twas as good as the best mantle in the world to him: for which purpose, when he foresaw the sentence would end in his new-invented forceps, he thrust his hand into the bag in order to have them ready to clap in, when your reverences took so much notice of the ***, which had he managed——my uncle Toby had certainly been overthrown: the sentence and the argument in that case jumping closely in one point, so like the two lines which form the salient angle of a ravelin,——Dr. Slop would never have given them up;—and my uncle Toby would as soon have thought of flying, as taking them by force: but Dr. Slop fumbled so vilely in pulling them out, it took off the whole effect, and what was a ten times worse evil (for they seldom come alone in this life) in pulling out his forceps, his forceps unfortunately drew out the squirt along with it.
When a proposition can be taken in two senses—’tis a law in disputation, That the respondent may reply to which of the two he pleases, or finds most convenient for him.——This threw the advantage of the argument quite on my uncle Toby’s side.—“Good God!” cried my uncle Toby, “are children brought into the world with a squirt?”
C H A P. IX
—UPON my honour, Sir, you have tore every bit of skin quite off the back of both my hands with your forceps, cried my uncle Toby—and you have crush’d all my knuckles into the bargain with them to a jelly. ’Tis your own fault, said Dr. Slop——you should have clinch’d your two fists together into the form of a child’s head as I told you, and sat firm.—I did so, answered my uncle Toby.——Then the points of my forceps have not been sufficiently arm’d, or the rivet wants closing—or else the cut on my thumb has made me a little aukward—or possibly—’Tis well, quoth my father, interrupting the detail of possibilities—that the experiment was not first made upon my child’s head-piece.——It would not have been a cherry-stone the worse, answered Dr. Slop.—I maintain it, said my uncle Toby, it would have broke the cerebellum (unless indeed the skull had been as hard as a granado) and turn’d it all into a perfect posset.——Pshaw! replied Dr. Slop, a child’s head is naturally as soft as the pap of an apple;—the sutures give way—and besides, I could have extracted by the feet after.—Not you, said she.——I rather wish you would begin that way, quoth my father.
Pray do, added my uncle Toby.
C H A P. X
——AND pray, good woman, after all, will you take upon you to say, it may not be the child’s hip, as well as the child’s head?——’Tis most certainly the head, replied the midwife. Because, continued Dr. Slop (turning to my father) as positive as these old ladies generally are—’tis a point very difficult to know—and yet of the greatest consequence to be known;——because, Sir, if the hip is mistaken for the head—there is a possibility (if it is a boy) that the forceps * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
——What the possibility was, Dr. Slop whispered very low to my father, and then to my uncle Toby.——There is no such danger, continued he, with the head.—No, in truth quoth my father—but when your possibility has taken place at the hip—you may as well take off the head too.
——It is morally impossible the reader should understand this——’tis enough Dr. Slop understood it;——so taking the green baize bag in his hand, with the help of Obadiah’s pumps, he tripp’d pretty nimbly, for a man of his size, across the room to the door——and from the door was shewn the way, by the good old midwife, to my mother’s apartments.
C H A P. XI
IT is two hours, and ten minutes—and no more—cried my father, looking at his watch, since Dr. Slop and Obadiah arrived—and I know not how it happens, Brother Toby—but to my imagination it seems almost an age.
——Here—pray, Sir, take hold of my cap—nay, take the bell along with it, and my pantoufles too.
Now, Sir, they are all at your service; and I freely make you a present of ’em, on condition you give me all your attention to this chapter.
Though my father said, “he knew not how it happen’d,”—yet he knew very well how it happen’d;——and at the instant he spoke it, was pre-determined in his mind to give my uncle Toby a clear account of the matter by a metaphysical dissertation upon the subject of duration and its simple modes, in order to shew my uncle Toby by what mechanism and mensurations in the brain it came to pass, that the rapid succession of their ideas, and the eternal scampering of the discourse from one thing to another, since Dr. Slop had come into the room, had lengthened out so short a period to so inconceivable an extent.——“I know not how it happens—cried my father,—but it seems an age.”
——’Tis owing entirely, quoth my uncle Toby, to the succession of our ideas.
My father, who had an itch, in common with all philosophers, of reasoning upon every thing which happened, and accounting for it too—proposed infinite pleasure to himself in this, of the succession of ideas, and had not the least apprehension of having it snatch’d out of his hands by my uncle Toby, who (honest man!) generally took every thing as it happened;——and who, of all things in the world, troubled his brain the least with abstruse thinking;—the ideas of time and space—or how we came by those ideas—or of what stuff they were made——or whether they were born with us—or we picked them up afterwards as we went along—or whether we did it in frocks——or not till we had got into breeches—with a thousand other inquiries and disputes about INFINITY PRESCIENCE, LIBERTY, NECESSITY, and so forth, upon whose desperate and unconquerable theories so many fine heads have been turned and cracked——never did my uncle Toby’s the least injury at all; my father knew it—and was no less surprized than he was disappointed, with my uncle’s fortuitous solution.
Do you understand the theory of that affair? replied my father.
Not I, quoth my uncle.
—But you have some ideas, said my father, of what you talk about?
No more than my horse, replied my uncle Toby.
Gracious heaven! cried my father, looking upwards, and clasping his two hands together——there is a worth in thy honest ignorance, brother Toby——’twere almost a pity to exchange it for a knowledge.—But I’ll tell thee.——
To understand what time is aright, without which we never can comprehend infinity, insomuch as one is a portion of the other——we ought seriously to sit down and consider what idea it is we have of duration, so as to give a satisfactory account how we came by it.——What is that to any body? quoth my uncle Toby.[7] For if you will turn your eyes inwards upon your mind, continued my father, and observe attentively, you will perceive, brother, that whilst you and I are talking together, and thinking, and smoking our pipes, or whilst we receive successively ideas in our minds, we know that we do exist, and so we estimate the existence, or the continuation of the existence of ourselves, or any thing else, commensurate to the succession of any ideas in our minds, the duration of ourselves, or any such other thing co-existing with our thinking——and so according to that preconceived——You puzzle me to death, cried my uncle Toby.
——’Tis owing to this, replied my father, that in our computations of time, we are so used to minutes, hours, weeks, and months——and of clocks (I wish there was not a clock in the kingdom) to measure out their several portions to us, and to those who belong to us——that ’twill be well, if in time to come, the succession of our ideas be of any use or service to us at all.
Now, whether we observe it or no, continued my father, in every sound man’s head, there is a regular succession of ideas of one sort or other, which follow each other in train just like——A train of artillery? said my uncle Toby——A train of a fiddle-stick!—quoth my father—which follow and succeed one another in our minds at certain distances, just like the images in the inside of a lanthorn turned round by the heat of a candle.—I declare, quoth my uncle Toby, mine are more like a smoke-jack.——Then, brother Toby, I have nothing more to say to you upon that subject, said my father.
[7] Vide Locke.
C H A P. XII
——WHAT a conjuncture was here lost!——My father in one of his best explanatory moods—in eager pursuit of a metaphysical point into the very regions, where clouds and thick darkness would soon have encompassed it about;—my uncle Toby in one of the finest dispositions for it in the world;—his head like a smoke-jack;——the funnel unswept, and the ideas whirling round and round about in it, all obfuscated and darkened over with fuliginous matter!—By the tomb-stone of Lucian——if it is in being——if not, why then by his ashes! by the ashes of my dear Rabelais, and dearer Cervantes!——my father and my uncle Toby’s discourse upon TIME and ETERNITY——was a discourse devoutly to be wished for! and the petulancy of my father’s humour, in putting a stop to it as he did, was a robbery of the Ontologic Treasury of such a jewel, as no coalition of great occasions and great men are ever likely to restore to it again.
C H A P. XIII
THO’ my father persisted in not going on with the discourse—yet he could not get my uncle Toby’s smoke-jack out of his head—piqued as he was at first with it;—there was something in the comparison at the bottom, which hit his fancy; for which purpose, resting his elbow upon the table, and reclining the right side of his head upon the palm of his hand——but looking first stedfastly in the fire——he began to commune with himself, and philosophize about it: but his spirits being wore out with the fatigues of investigating new tracts, and the constant exertion of his faculties upon that variety of subjects which had taken their turn in the discourse——the idea of the smoke jack soon turned all his ideas upside down—so that he fell asleep almost before he knew what he was about.
As for my uncle Toby, his smoke-jack had not made a dozen revolutions, before he fell asleep also.——Peace be with them both!——Dr. Slop is engaged with the midwife and my mother above stairs.——Trim is busy in turning an old pair of jack-boots into a couple of mortars, to be employed in the siege of Messina next summer—and is this instant boring the touch-holes with the point of a hot poker.——All my heroes are off my hands;—’tis the first time I have had a moment to spare—and I’ll make use of it, and write my preface.
The A U T H O R ’s P R E F A C E
NO, I’ll not say a word about it——here it is;—in publishing it—I have appealed to the world——and to the world I leave it;—it must speak for itself.
All I know of the matter is—when I sat down, my intent was to write a good book; and as far as the tenuity of my understanding would hold out—a wise, aye, and a discreet—taking care only, as I went along, to put into it all the wit and the judgment (be it more or less) which the great Author and Bestower of them had thought fit originally to give me——so that, as your worships see—’tis just as God pleases.
Now, Agalastes (speaking dispraisingly) sayeth, That there may be some wit in it, for aught he knows——but no judgment at all. And Triptolemus and Phutatorius agreeing thereto, ask, How is it possible there should? for that wit and judgment in this world never go together; inasmuch as they are two operations differing from each other as wide as east from west——So, says Locke——so are farting and hickuping, say I. But in answer to this, Didius the great church lawyer, in his code de fartendi et illustrandi fallaciis, doth maintain and make fully appear, That an illustration is no argument——nor do I maintain the wiping of a looking-glass clean to be a syllogism;—but you all, may it please your worships, see the better for it——so that the main good these things do is only to clarify the understanding, previous to the application of the argument itself, in order to free it from any little motes, or specks of opacular matter, which, if left swimming therein, might hinder a conception and spoil all.
Now, my dear anti-Shandeans, and thrice able criticks, and fellow-labourers (for to you I write this Preface)——and to you, most subtle statesmen and discreet doctors (do—pull off your beards) renowned for gravity and wisdom;——Monopolus, my politician—Didius, my counsel; Kysarcius, my friend;—Phutatorius, my guide;——Gastripheres, the preserver of my life; Somnolentius, the balm and repose of it——not forgetting all others, as well sleeping as waking, ecclesiastical as civil, whom for brevity, but out of no resentment to you, I lump all together.——Believe me, right worthy,
My most zealous wish and fervent prayer in your behalf, and in my own too, in case the thing is not done already for us——is, that the great gifts and endowments both of wit and judgment, with every thing which usually goes along with them——such as memory, fancy, genius, eloquence, quick parts, and what not, may this precious moment, without stint or measure, let or hindrance, be poured down warm as each of us could bear it—scum and sediment and all (for I would not have a drop lost) into the several receptacles, cells, cellules, domiciles, dormitories, refectories, and spare places of our brains——in such sort, that they might continue to be injected and tunn’d into, according to the true intent and meaning of my wish, until every vessel of them, both great and small, be so replenish’d, saturated, and filled up therewith, that no more, would it save a man’s life, could possibly be got either in or out.
Bless us!—what noble work we should make!——how should I tickle it off!——and what spirits should I find myself in, to be writing away for such readers!——and you—just heaven!——with what raptures would you sit and read—but oh!—’tis too much——I am sick——I faint away deliciously at the thoughts of it—’tis more than nature can bear!—lay hold of me——I am giddy—I am stone blind—I’m dying—I am gone.—Help! Help! Help!—But hold—I grow something better again, for I am beginning to foresee, when this is over, that as we shall all of us continue to be great wits—we should never agree amongst ourselves, one day to an end:——there would be so much satire and sarcasm——scoffing and flouting, with raillying and reparteeing of it—thrusting and parrying in one corner or another——there would be nothing but mischief among us——Chaste stars! what biting and scratching, and what a racket and a clatter we should make, what with breaking of heads, rapping of knuckles, and hitting of sore places—there would be no such thing as living for us.
But then again, as we should all of us be men of great judgment, we should make up matters as fast as ever they went wrong; and though we should abominate each other ten times worse than so many devils or devilesses, we should nevertheless, my dear creatures, be all courtesy and kindness, milk and honey—’twould be a second land of promise—a paradise upon earth, if there was such a thing to be had—so that upon the whole we should have done well enough.
All I fret and fume at, and what most distresses my invention at present, is how to bring the point itself to bear; for as your worships well know, that of these heavenly emanations of wit and judgment, which I have so bountifully wished both for your worships and myself—there is but a certain quantum stored up for us all, for the use and behoof of the whole race of mankind; and such small modicums of ’em are only sent forth into this wide world, circulating here and there in one bye corner or another—and in such narrow streams, and at such prodigious intervals from each other, that one would wonder how it holds out, or could be sufficient for the wants and emergencies of so many great estates, and populous empires.
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- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 48Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2865Total number of unique words is 93356.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words70.1 of words are in the 5000 most common words75.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 49Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3003Total number of unique words is 96756.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words72.1 of words are in the 5000 most common words77.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 50Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2916Total number of unique words is 97052.9 of words are in the 2000 most common words65.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words71.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 51Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2566Total number of unique words is 91753.4 of words are in the 2000 most common words67.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words73.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 52Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2953Total number of unique words is 96753.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words65.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words73.1 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 53Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2902Total number of unique words is 94156.2 of words are in the 2000 most common words71.7 of words are in the 5000 most common words77.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 54Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2940Total number of unique words is 89257.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words70.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words75.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 55Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3058Total number of unique words is 102253.5 of words are in the 2000 most common words67.9 of words are in the 5000 most common words76.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 56Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2964Total number of unique words is 95154.4 of words are in the 2000 most common words66.7 of words are in the 5000 most common words73.3 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 57Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3041Total number of unique words is 88158.7 of words are in the 2000 most common words71.3 of words are in the 5000 most common words76.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 58Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2942Total number of unique words is 90254.5 of words are in the 2000 most common words69.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words76.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 59Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3060Total number of unique words is 87659.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words72.1 of words are in the 5000 most common words78.1 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 60Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2978Total number of unique words is 86159.7 of words are in the 2000 most common words72.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words78.4 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 61Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3109Total number of unique words is 99856.6 of words are in the 2000 most common words70.2 of words are in the 5000 most common words76.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 62Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2965Total number of unique words is 90459.0 of words are in the 2000 most common words71.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words78.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 63Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3014Total number of unique words is 96255.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words70.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words76.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 64Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 3143Total number of unique words is 99055.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words70.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words76.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 65Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 2934Total number of unique words is 91554.5 of words are in the 2000 most common words70.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words78.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
- The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 66Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.Total number of words is 290Total number of unique words is 17174.2 of words are in the 2000 most common words82.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words87.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words