The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 15

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“I said the attempt is often made; and so it is;——there being nothing “more common than to see a man who has no sense at all of religion, and indeed has so much honesty as to pretend to none, who would take it as the bitterest affront, should you but hint at a suspicion of his moral character,——or imagine he was not conscientiously just and scrupulous to the uttermost mite.

“When there is some appearance that it is so,—tho’ one is unwilling even to suspect the appearance of so amiable a virtue as moral honesty, yet were we to look into the grounds of it, in the present case, I am persuaded we should find little reason to envy such a one the honour of his motive.

“Let him declaim as pompously as he chooses upon the subject, it will be found to rest upon no better foundation than either his interest, his pride, his ease, or some such little and changeable passion as will give us but small dependence upon his actions in matters of great distress.

“I will illustrate this by an example.

“I know the banker I deal with, or the physician I usually call in,”—[There is no need, cried Dr. Slop, (waking) to call in any physician in this case]—“to be neither of them men of much religion: I hear them make a jest of it every day, and treat all its sanctions with so much scorn, as to put the matter past doubt. Well;—notwithstanding this, I put my fortune into the hands of the one:—and what is dearer still to me, I trust my life to the honest skill of the other.

“Now let me examine what is my reason for this great confidence. Why, in the first place, I believe there is no probability that either of them will employ the power I put into their hands to my disadvantage;—I consider that honesty serves the purposes of this life:—I know their success in the world depends upon the fairness of their characters.—In a word, I’m persuaded that they cannot hurt me without hurting themselves more.

“But put it otherwise, namely, “that interest lay, for once, on the other side; that a case should happen, wherein the one, without stain to his reputation, could secrete my fortune, and leave me naked in the world;—or that the other could send me out of it, and enjoy an estate by my death, without dishonour to himself or his art:—In this case, what hold have I of either of them?—Religion, the strongest of all motives, is out of the question;—Interest, the next most powerful motive in the world, is strongly against me:——What have I left to cast into the opposite scale to balance this temptation?——Alas! I have nothing,——nothing but what is lighter than a bubble——I must lie at the mercy of HONOUR, or some such capricious principle—Strait security for two of the most valuable blessings!—my property and myself.

“As, therefore, we can have no dependence upon morality without religion;—so, on the other hand, there is nothing better to be expected from “religion without morality; nevertheless, ’tis no prodigy to see a man whose real moral character stands very low, who yet entertains the highest notion of himself in the light of a religious man.

“He shall not only be covetous, revengeful, implacable,—but even wanting in points of common honesty; yet inasmuch as he talks aloud against the infidelity of the age,——is zealous for some points of religion,——goes twice a day to church,—attends the sacraments,—and amuses himself with a few instrumental parts of religion,—shall cheat his conscience into a judgment, that, for this, he is a religious man, and has discharged truly his duty to God: And you will find that such a man, through force of this delusion, generally looks down with spiritual pride upon every other man who has less affectation of piety,—though, perhaps, ten times more real honesty than himself.

This likewise is a sore evil under the “sun; and I believe, there is no one mistaken principle, which, for its time, has wrought more serious mischiefs.——For a general proof of this,—examine the history of the Romish church;”—[Well what can you make of that? cried Dr. Slop]—“see what scenes of cruelty, murder, rapine, bloodshed,”——[They may thank their own obstinacy, cried Dr. Slop]——have all been sanctified by a religion not strictly governed by morality.

“In how many kingdoms of the world”—[Here Trim kept waving his right-hand from the sermon to the extent of his arm, returning it backwards and forwards to the conclusion of the paragraph.]

“In how many kingdoms of the world has the crusading sword of this misguided saint-errant, spared neither age or merit, or sex, or condition?—and, as he fought under the banners of a religion which set him loose from justice and humanity, he shewed none; mercilessly trampled upon both,—“heard neither the cries of the unfortunate, nor pitied their distresses.”

[I have been in many a battle, an’ please your Honour, quoth Trim, sighing, but never in so melancholy a one as this,—I would not have drawn a tricker in it against these poor souls,——to have been made a general officer.——Why? what do you understand of the affair? said Dr. Slop, looking towards Trim, with something more of contempt than the Corporal’s honest heart deserved.——What do you know, friend, about this battle you talk of?—I know, replied Trim, that I never refused quarter in my life to any man who cried out for it;——but to a woman or a child, continued Trim, before I would level my musket at them, I would loose my life a thousand times.——Here’s a crown for thee, Trim, to drink with Obadiah to-night, quoth my uncle Toby, and I’ll give Obadiah another too.—God bless your Honour, replied Trim,——I had rather these poor women and children had it.——thou art an honest fellow, quoth my uncle Toby.——My father nodded his head, as much as to say—and so he is.——

But prithee, Trim, said my father, make an end,—for I see thou hast but a leaf or two left.

Corporal Trim read on.]

“If the testimony of past centuries in this matter is not sufficient,—consider at this instant, how the votaries of that religion are every day thinking to do service and honour to God, by actions which are a dishonour and scandal to themselves.

“To be convinced of this, go with me for a moment into the prisons of the Inquisition.”—[God help my poor brother Tom.]—“Behold Religion, with Mercy and Justice chained down under her feet,——there sitting ghastly upon a black tribunal, propped up with racks and instruments of torment. Hark!—hark! what a piteous groan!”—[Here Trim’s face turned as pale as ashes.]——“See the melancholy wretch who uttered it”—[Here the tears began to trickle down]——“just brought forth to undergo the anguish of a mock trial, and endure the utmost pains that a studied system of cruelty has been able to invent.”—[D—n them all, quoth Trim, his colour returning into his face as red as blood.]—“Behold this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors,—his body so wasted with sorrow and confinement.”—[Oh! ’tis my brother, cried poor Trim in a most passionate exclamation, dropping the sermon upon the ground, and clapping his hands together—I fear ’tis poor Tom. My father’s and my uncle Toby’s heart yearned with sympathy for the poor fellow’s distress; even Slop himself acknowledged pity for him.——Why, Trim, said my father, this is not a history,——’tis a sermon thou art reading; prithee begin the sentence again.]——“Behold this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors,—his body so wasted with sorrow and confinement, you will see every nerve and muscle as it suffers.

“Observe the last movement of that horrid engine!”—[I would rather face a cannon, quoth Trim, stamping.)—“See what convulsions it has thrown him into!——Consider the nature of the posture in which he how lies stretched,—what exquisite tortures he endures by it!”—[I hope ’tis not in Portugal.]—“’Tis all nature can bear! Good God! see how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips!” [I would not read another line of it, quoth Trim for all this world;—I fear, an’ please your Honours, all this is in Portugal, where my poor brother Tom is. I tell thee, Trim, again, quoth my father, ’tis not an historical account,—’tis a description.—’Tis only a description, honest man, quoth Slop, there’s not a word of truth in it.——That’s another story, replied my father.—However, as Trim reads it with so much concern,—’tis cruelty to force him to go on with it.—Give me hold of the sermon, Trim,—I’ll finish it for thee, and thou may’st go. I must stay and hear it too, replied Trim, if your Honour will allow me;—tho’ I would not read it myself for a Colonel’s pay.——Poor Trim! quoth my uncle Toby. My father went on.]

“——Consider the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretched,—what exquisite torture he endures by it!—’Tis all nature can bear! Good God! See how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips,—willing to take its leave,——but not suffered to depart!—Behold the unhappy wretch led back to his cell!”——[Then, thank God, however, quoth Trim, they have not killed him.]—“See him dragged out of it again to meet the flames, and the insults in his last agonies, which this principle,—this principle, that there can be religion without mercy, has prepared for him.”——[Then, thank God,——he is dead, quoth Trim,—he is out of his pain,—and they have done their worst at him.—O Sirs!—Hold your peace, Trim, said my father, going on with the sermon, lest Trim should incense Dr. Slop,—we shall never have done at this rate.]

“The surest way to try the merit of “any disputed notion is, to trace down the consequences such a notion has produced, and compare them with the spirit of Christianity;——’tis the short and decisive rule which our Saviour hath left us, for these and such like cases, and it is worth a thousand arguments——By their fruits ye shall know them.

“I will add no farther to the length of this sermon, than by two or three short and independent rules deducible from it.

First, Whenever a man talks loudly against religion, always suspect that it is not his reason, but his passions, which have got the better of his CREED. A bad life and a good belief are disagreeable and troublesome neighbours, and where they separate, depend upon it, ’tis for no other cause but quietness sake.

Secondly, When a man, thus represented, tells you in any particular instance,——That such a thing goes “against his conscience,——always believe he means exactly the same thing, as when he tells you such a thing goes against his stomach;—a present want of appetite being generally the true cause of both.

“In a word,—trust that man in nothing, who has not a CONSCIENCE in every thing.

“And, in your own case, remember this plain distinction, a mistake in which has ruined thousands,—that your conscience is not a law;—No, God and reason made the law, and have placed conscience within you to determine;——not, like an Asiatic Cadi, according to the ebbs and flows of his own passions,—but like a British judge in this land of liberty and good sense, who makes no new law, but faithfully declares that law which he knows already written.”

F  I  N  I  S.

Thou hast read the sermon extremely well, Trim, quoth my father.—If he had spared his comments, replied Dr. Slop,——he would have read it much better.

I should have read it ten times better, Sir, answered Trim, but that my heart was so full.—That was the very reason, Trim, replied my father, which has made thee read the sermon as well as thou hast done; and if the clergy of our church, continued my father, addressing himself to Dr. Slop, would take part in what they deliver as deeply as this poor fellow has done,—as their compositions are fine;—[I deny it, quoth Dr. Slop]—I maintain it,—that the eloquence of our pulpits, with such subjects to enflame it, would be a model for the whole world:——But alas! continued my father, and I own it, Sir, with sorrow, that, like French politicians in this respect, what they gain in the cabinet they lose in the field.——’Twere a pity, quoth my uncle, that this should be lost. I like the sermon well, replied my father,——’tis dramatick,—and there is something in that way of writing, when skilfully managed, which catches the attention.——We preach much in that way with us, said Dr. Slop.—I know that very well, said my father,—but in a tone and manner which disgusted Dr. Slop, full as much as his assent, simply, could have pleased him.——But in this, added Dr. Slop, a little piqued,—our sermons have greatly the advantage, that we never introduce any character into them below a patriarch or a patriarch’s wife, or a martyr or a saint.—There are some very bad characters in this, however, said my father, and I do not think the sermon a jot the worse for ’em.——But pray, quoth my uncle Toby,—who’s can this be?—How could it get into my Stevinus? A man must be as great a conjurer as Stevinus, said my father, to resolve the second question:—The first, I think, is not so difficult;—for unless my judgment greatly deceives me,——I know the author, for ’tis wrote, certainly, by the parson of the parish.

The similitude of the stile and manner of it, with those my father constantly had heard preached in his parish-church, was the ground of his conjecture,—proving it as strongly, as an argument à priori could prove such a thing to a philosophic mind, That it was Yorick’s and no one’s else:—It was proved to be so, à posteriori, the day after, when Yorick sent a servant to my uncle Toby’s house to enquire after it.

It seems that Yorick, who was inquisitive after all kinds of knowledge, had borrowed Stevinus of my uncle Toby, and had carelesly popped his sermon, as soon as he had made it, into the middle of Stevinus; and by an act of forgetfulness, to which he was ever subject, he had sent Stevinus home, and his sermon to keep him company.

Ill-fated sermon! Thou wast lost, after this recovery of thee, a second time, dropped thru’ an unsuspected fissure in thy master’s pocket, down into a treacherous and a tattered lining,—trod deep into the dirt by the left hind-foot of his Rosinante inhumanly stepping upon thee as thou falledst;—buried ten days in the mire,——raised up out of it by a beggar,—sold for a halfpenny to a parish-clerk,——transferred to his parson,——lost for ever to thy own, the remainder of his days,—nor restored to his restless MANES till this very moment, that I tell the world the story.

Can the reader believe, that this sermon of Yorick’s was preached at an assize, in the cathedral of York, before a thousand witnesses, ready to give oath of it, by a certain prebendary of that church, and actually printed by him when he had done,——and within so short a space as two years and three months after Yorick’s death?—Yorick indeed, was never better served in his life;——but it was a little hard to maltreat him after, and plunder him after he was laid in his grave.

However, as the gentleman who did it was in perfect charity with Yorick,—and, in conscious justice, printed but a few copies to give away;—and that I am told he could moreover have made as good a one himself, had he thought fit,—I declare I would not have published this anecdote to the world;——nor do I publish it with an intent to hurt his character and advancement in the church;—I leave that to others;——but I find myself impelled by two reasons, which I cannot withstand.

The first is, That in doing justice, I may give rest to Yorick’s ghost;——which—as the country-people, and some others believe,——still walks.

The second reason is, That, by laying open this story to the world, I gain an opportunity of informing it,—That in case the character of parson Yorick, and this sample of his sermons, is liked,——there are now in the possession of the Shandy family, as many as will make a handsome volume, at the world’s service,——and much good may they do it.

C H A P.   XLIII

OBADIAH gained the two crowns without dispute;—for he came in jingling, with all the instruments in the green baize bag we spoke of, flung across his body, just as Corporal Trim went out of the room.

It is now proper, I think, quoth Dr. Slop, (clearing up his looks) as we are in a condition to be of some service to Mrs. Shandy, to send up stairs to know how she goes on.

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    71.4 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    77.1 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 39
    Total number of words is 2593
    Total number of unique words is 843
    59.6 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    73.2 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    79.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 40
    Total number of words is 2525
    Total number of unique words is 857
    54.6 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    67.9 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    74.1 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 41
    Total number of words is 2800
    Total number of unique words is 872
    55.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.0 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 42
    Total number of words is 2817
    Total number of unique words is 971
    52.0 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    64.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    71.6 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 43
    Total number of words is 3009
    Total number of unique words is 770
    68.0 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    80.9 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    85.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 44
    Total number of words is 2878
    Total number of unique words is 880
    59.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    73.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    79.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 45
    Total number of words is 2702
    Total number of unique words is 883
    55.9 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    67.9 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    73.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 46
    Total number of words is 2954
    Total number of unique words is 915
    56.9 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    77.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 47
    Total number of words is 3006
    Total number of unique words is 952
    57.6 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    73.3 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    78.3 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 48
    Total number of words is 2865
    Total number of unique words is 933
    56.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.1 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    75.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 49
    Total number of words is 3003
    Total number of unique words is 967
    56.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    72.1 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    77.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 50
    Total number of words is 2916
    Total number of unique words is 970
    52.9 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    65.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    71.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 51
    Total number of words is 2566
    Total number of unique words is 917
    53.4 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    67.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    73.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 52
    Total number of words is 2953
    Total number of unique words is 967
    53.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    65.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    73.1 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 53
    Total number of words is 2902
    Total number of unique words is 941
    56.2 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    71.7 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    77.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 54
    Total number of words is 2940
    Total number of unique words is 892
    57.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    75.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 55
    Total number of words is 3058
    Total number of unique words is 1022
    53.5 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    67.9 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 56
    Total number of words is 2964
    Total number of unique words is 951
    54.4 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    66.7 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    73.3 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 57
    Total number of words is 3041
    Total number of unique words is 881
    58.7 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    71.3 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 58
    Total number of words is 2942
    Total number of unique words is 902
    54.5 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    69.5 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.0 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 59
    Total number of words is 3060
    Total number of unique words is 876
    59.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    72.1 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    78.1 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 60
    Total number of words is 2978
    Total number of unique words is 861
    59.7 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    72.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    78.4 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 61
    Total number of words is 3109
    Total number of unique words is 998
    56.6 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.2 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 62
    Total number of words is 2965
    Total number of unique words is 904
    59.0 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    71.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    78.7 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 63
    Total number of words is 3014
    Total number of unique words is 962
    55.8 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.6 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 64
    Total number of words is 3143
    Total number of unique words is 990
    55.1 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    76.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 65
    Total number of words is 2934
    Total number of unique words is 915
    54.5 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    70.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    78.9 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - 66
    Total number of words is 290
    Total number of unique words is 171
    74.2 of words are in the 2000 most common words
    82.8 of words are in the 5000 most common words
    87.8 of words are in the 8000 most common words
    Each bar represents the percentage of words per 1000 most common words.